I hate that song.
With a sigh, I changed the radio station away from Megadeth’s “Sweating Bullets” as I kept my eyes on the road ahead. It’s easy for people to say they hate themselves. It’s harder to point out a very good reason as to why. For me, it was the fact that I was pretty sure I was losing my mind.
I wouldn’t say you’ve lost it. I’d say you’re just coming to accept that I exist.
The voice in my head had slowly grown more and more annoying over the years, but it wasn’t until six months ago that it finally went from being something like my conscience to something far more terrifying. I went from listening to its advice to arguing with it, and then things only escalated from there.
Why couldn’t we stay later? I want enjoying that game. You had a nice hand, but not a good bluffing face. Maybe you should’ve let me play?
At first I just noticed things moved around in my room after a night of sleep, but after a while I began to have memory lapses that spanned anywhere from ten minutes to a few hours every day. The last time that had occurred was yesterday, and I went from sitting in my third period history class to standing before the bruised figure of Josh Andrews in the parking lot as he kept his back to his truck, astounded at the sight of me standing before him in a fighting stance. Josh was the guy who had bullied me since middle school, and made my life a living hell before my new tenant took up occupancy in my thoughts. I hadn’t done anything to Josh to leave him like that. I know I didn’t. I didn’t even know how to fight.
So you say.
Laughter followed that in my head as I felt a chill crawl over my body. I shook my head and focused on getting home. Today it had gone too far, spewing threats and demanding that I assault my friends around me during our card game. I was tired of this life, always fearing the other me.
I don’t like you referring to me as an it. It’s insulting, honestly.
“Then what the hell do I call you?” I asked in frustration as I pulled into my driveway. It was late, and I knew my dad would be asleep and my mom would be working at the hospital, so I slipped upstairs like a ghost and into bed.
There was something unnerving about receiving a goodnight from yourself.
“Caleb?” the voice asked in concern. I snapped my head around and saw my friend Lauren staring at me in bewilderment. There’s something painful about seeing someone so close to you look so mortified. I was about to ask why when I looked at what was in my hands. I was holding a handgun, and I had no idea where it had come from. My immediate reaction was to drop it to the floor of the hallway, and that’s when I noticed that I was in school. Glancing about in alarm I realized I was standing next to Josh’s locker, a dent very obvious in the center. The knuckles of my left hand were aching, and when I looked at them I saw blood leaking out of the skin.
“Caleb,” Lauren began, “what are you doing with that gun?”
The better question is why you dropped it? It could’ve gone off, you know?
“I…I don’t know,” I answered in all honesty. Lauren was clutching her books tightly to her chest as she backed away down the hall.
“Caleb, I don’t want to say anything, but I have to know.”
Want me to tell her?
“I want you to keep quiet!” I hissed.
“What?” Lauren asked, her head cocked to the side, terror more evident on her face.
“Not you!” I tried to assure her. “I’m just…I don’t even-”
“Don’t.” she managed to say. “Just…don’t.”
“Lauren,” I said as I fought back tears, “it’s going to be okay. I’m not going to hurt you. I swear!”
Seriously, let me handle this.
“Stop talking!” I shouted. Lauren turned her back and hurried down the hall as I ran after her. “Lauren!”
“Stay away from me, Caleb!” she called back. I slowed to a stop as the weight of guilt pressed me to the floor. I was on my knees, alone and confused.
You’re never alone, Caleb.
Yet here I was, alone and afraid in the hallway of my high school.
Speaking of which, I’d suggest hiding that gun, because classes should be letting out at any moment now.
Rational thought seized me, and I backtracked down the hall and retrieved the weapon before heading out of the exit as the sound of a bell’s ringing haunted my steps.
A brick wall. That’s what I came to next after leaving the school. The transition happened in a literal blink, and here I was in an unknown place yet again. I tried to recall something, anything that would enlighten me as to how I’d gotten here.
You’re back! Good, I was worried I’d be handling this myself. I’ve got a surprise for you!
I never knew that death had a smell, but maybe that was just my brain trying to rationalize my nausea. I hadn’t seen any bodies, but I knew they were on the other side of the brick wall leading into the alley. The trail of blood leading back there was evidence enough for me.
You’ve really got to stop dropping out on me. You might miss something important.
“Mocking bastard,” I grunted. My head felt like railroad spikes had been run through it. The throbbing wouldn’t stop, and my vision started to blur as the voice in my head continued to bark orders.
Get yourself together, because we’ve got work to do. You’ll find some aspirin in your left pocket.
“Where am I?” I asked.
Well, I’d love to say you had a fun night drinking and blacked out, but that would be a lie. I’d never lie to a friend.
“Where the hell am I?!” I demanded. There was silence, followed by humming. I was so confused and scared, but couldn’t decide which was more prominent.
I don’t care what you feel right now. Soon, you’re going to feel good.
“Why? What the hell did you do?” I asked meekly. I didn’t want to try and imagine what horrors awaited around the corner.
You couldn’t picture it if you tried, but I’ll tell you that it’s one of your wildest fantasies.
That got it roaring with laughter. How the hell was it possible for it to sound like it was everywhere at once?
Too bad. Now go around the corner and take your prize!
I couldn’t deny the curiosity within. I wanted to know what the hell this thing had brought me here for. Besides, if someone was still alive then I could do something.
Well the baseball bat will be useful in that something.
My foot kicked something as I rounded the corner, and I looked down to see exactly what he’d just mentioned. The bat rolled across the ground, and blood covered one side of it. This was beyond what I thought it could do. I had to get help. I had to stop it.
Help? To stop what? The voice in your head?
It laughed again as I closed my eyes and ran down the alley. I nearly tripped over something and finally opened my eyes to see a disfigured Josh broken and beaten on the ground, next to some pallets and trash cans. My heart skipped a few beats as I looked him over, praying to God that he was still alive.
That’s useless. Besides, he’s alive. I made sure to save you the final blow. This is what you wanted, right?
It finally hit me. This was my fault. All of that teasing, all of those assaults this guy had put me through, and everything thing else he did to me had caused me to break. I had always wanted to be better than him. I wanted to be stronger. I wanted to take my life back from the bullies that had tormented me for years.
Hey, do you think his family is smarter than he is?
“What?” I asked, not really caring to hear what absurd statement the monster in me had to say next.
I was just wondering if they’re even literate, because I have something in the works for them to read. It’s called Josh’s obituary.
I cried out in frustration as the sickening laughter flooded my mind. This had to end. I had to get the police, or someone.
What are you going to tell them? That the person living in your head is trying to kill someone? While you’re at it why don’t you tell them about the fat man at the North Pole that’s breaking into houses? I’m sure they’ll believe it all.
“You’re a monster.”
I’m what you made! You wanted your life to get better, and I’m taking the necessary steps that you were too scared to even consider! Man up! Take what I’m offering, and we’ll be unstoppable! Josh is just the first! We have a list of these asses to take down!
I glanced down at Josh’s form. He was barely breathing, but he was definitely still alive. “I’m leaving, and I’m taking him with me.”
Where will you go? The hospital? The second he’s conscious again he’ll tell the authorities that you were the one who beat him within an inch of his life.
He was right. I couldn’t fix this easily.
You can’t fix this. Just end it here. It’s easier to dispose of a lifeless corpse anyway. Less blabbing, and more being quiet six feet under.
“Screw you!” I shouted.
You’re making this difficult. I like it when things are easy, like beating the piss out of Josh here. He just begged and begged. I’m actually sad that you missed it. You would’ve loved it.
“Enough!” I cried. I was done with all of this. Somehow I’d stop this bastard from taking my life from me.
I’m not taking it from you. I’m taking it from the ones who stole it in the first place!
“Stop trying to justify this crap!” Silence followed, and I took that time to attempt to lift Josh up and drag him out of the alley.
You asked for this.
“I didn’t,” I heaved as I struggled with Josh’s form.
That’s not what I’m talking about.
I was driving my car through the city streets, and had just sped through a red light before I caught myself again and snatched the wheel, almost flipping the car as I went on two wheels to try and bring it to a stop. It was night now, and I wasn’t even sure if it was the same day or not. Where did he have me driving to?
Well I can catch you up on that. Josh is unconscious in the trunk, and your good pal Lauren reported you for that weapon on school grounds. Now there’s a warrant for your arrest, and we’re playing hide and seek.
“What the hell have you done?” I asked, completely lost in this situation.
So maybe I made a mistake. I’m not too worried about it. It can be fixed, now do me a favor and give me control again.
“Like hell I will!”
I misspoke. See, that was a formality. I can just easily take this body as I please.
“No, you can’t.”
Oh, but I can.
For a moment, my vision went hazy and a strange noise overtook my hearing. I was about to slip away again, but then I saw Lauren’s upset expression. I saw my parents and the concern in their face when I kept popping Tylenol like it was my life source. I saw the bloody bat, and finally, I saw Josh. This wasn’t me. I never intended for things to go this way, and I would be damned if I let it continue. My vision began to clear.
Well shit. You grew a pair.
Ignoring the voice, I put the car back into drive and started down the road again.
Where do you think you’re going now?
It was too fitting that “Sweating Bullets” was playing on the radio again tonight. You’ve got to love repeats on radio stations.
I hate that song.
If I could, I would.
I got onto the interstate highway and focused on finding the right exit. It’s hard to find a place that you’ve never really been to before, but I knew it was close enough by.
Wait, you’re going there?
It was a tough call, but if I wanted to keep from hurting anyone else then it was my best bet.
This is getting interesting. Between the police, your deteriorating mental state, and your desperate idea, I’m curious as to who will win.
I wasn’t going to entertain the sick bastard with anymore words. Still, that didn’t stop it.
I’m in your head, genius. I know what you’re thinking.
The Maia Institute wasn’t too far away. I just had to get there before I lost control again.
The most that they’ll do is sedate you. Guess what? The second you wake up I’ll be here again.
I turned the music up, hoping it would drown the voice out.
I’m still here. I don’t have to shout. I’m in your head. What part of that aren’t you getting?
Traffic was slow ahead, and I could see flashing blue and red lights. It would be my luck that a wreck happened now of all times.
You lose. That officer directing traffic might be in on the hunt. Oh, I hope so.
There was no turning around. Traffic was beginning to build up behind me, and I could just get out and go on foot. This was it for me. Swearing, I slammed my fist on the steering wheel repeatedly as the other half of me continued to mock me.
You should’ve known you’d lose in the end. All you had to do was cooperate and we could’ve set you up for life. Hell, you even lost Lauren, and you had a thing for her, right? Why the hell am I asking; you secretly loved that girl.
I’m not the one who’s about to be screwed in a few minutes. I hope he shoots you with a stun gun. I bet that’ll suck.
It hit me. Desperation was all I had left, and the ambulance wasn’t too far away. I vaguely remembered my mom letting me see inside one a few years back while she was on break. I’d probably take a bullet before I got there if the officer got suspicious, but even that was better than nothing.
What the hell are you doing?
I opened the door and charged through the line of cars. The officer noticed me and pointed a flashlight in my direction, nearly blinding me for a second before I threw my left arm up to block the beam.
I ignored him and made for the open back doors of the ambulance. I honestly wouldn’t be mad if he shot me.
Wait. You’re going to…no! You’re insane!
“Yep!” I panted as I reached the vehicle. Only the driver was still inside, but even he couldn’t do anything in time as I began to rummage through the equipment. I had no idea where they would be, but I wasn’t giving up.
On second thought, I’ll stop! Don’t do this! You’ll kill yourself! It doesn’t work like that!
“Oh, so you’re scared now?”
I’m not this stupid! You’re not this stupid!
“Well, we’ll find out,” I shot back as my hands found the satchel. Inside was what I’d been praying for. I didn’t know how to work a defibrillator, so I set everything as high as it would go and accepted that I might die. Grabbing the paddles, I rubbed them together like I’d seen it done on TV, and held them inches from each side of my head.
You’re going to kill us! Stop!
“It’d be better than me hurting anyone else.”
The driver appeared at the back door, red with rage as he began to climb inside. The officer was right behind him, gun drawn and trained on me. Once they realized what I was doing they both backed off, but the gun never dropped.
“Put them down, kid,” the officer said calmly, “I’m only going to ask you once.”
Listen to the officer. Put them down.
“Fuck you.” I wasn’t even sure who I’d said that too. I noticed the officer hit the safety, and realized that it was now or never.
I hope it hurts.
“Same to you, asshole.” Then I slammed the paddles against my head.
The hospital room was white, black, and gray. In fact, everything was. It didn’t really bother me though. Even the bandages over my head weren’t a problem, and the absence of the monster in me didn’t really register. I didn’t care anymore. The doctor asked me questions, but I just didn’t feel like answering him. The police came by and said something about a young man they found nearly dead in the trunk of the car I was driving, yet I wasn’t bothered by their threats of imprisonment. My parents cried next to me, but I didn’t understand why. All of the words they said to each other didn’t draw anything from me, but when my dad finally gave me my MP3 player in the hopes of getting me back to myself, I put the earphones in and played the first song that came to mind. The doctor explained my current state in the background as I stared at the light on the ceiling while listening to “Sweating Bullets.”